Breaking Free From Damaging Relationship Patterns With The One You Love
                      Breaking Free From Damaging Relationship Patterns With The 
One You Love
When you argue with your spouse, does it ever feel like Groundhog Day? Do you ever 
shake your head in disbelief, wondering why you are having this same disagreement yet 
again? According to the specialists for counselling in Kitchener, hitting the same 
marital roadblock over and over may relate to a perpetual problem between you and 
your spouse. Perpetual problems - which even healthy couples have – are difficult if not 
impossible to solve (though not necessarily impossible to live with) for the reason that 
they center on fundamental differences in personalities, preferences, or lifestyle needs.
In other scenarios, repeated conflicts or “Here we go again” arguments are better 
explained by underlying behavioral patterns exhibited by one or both partners. Such 
behavioral patterns - bad habits at best and maladaptive at worst - can damage a 
relationship over time and result in resentment or contempt.
The following are the common ones to keep away from:
Putting Up Walls
Disengaging, shutting down, fleeing, and freezing during arguments are classic self-
protective behaviors of the ones who have a more avoidant attachment style. They may 
turn out to be quiet, steer clear from eye contact, and leave the room or attempt to 
minimize or dismiss the issue.
Far from protecting a person, putting up “walls” often leaves important issues 
unaddressed and can worsen the sense of disconnect and abandonment felt by the other
partner. As per the experts for couples, anxiety and depression counselling, the 
ones who have a tendency to withdraw during conflict would even do well to become 
conversant with attachment theory and try to find professional counselling in order to 
help break this pattern.
Pushing Buttons
There are several specialized psychologists who work on attachment theory to explore 
how and why humans bond with others. Attachment or bonding styles are generally 
grouped into four categories - anxious, avoidant, disorganized or mixed (a blend of 
anxious and avoidant), and secure.
The 1st two categories, anxious and avoidant are also known as Pursuer and 
Withdrawer. Pursuers, or the ones who have a tendency to have a more anxious 
attachment style, are inclined to be exceptionally good at “pushing their spouse’s 
buttons,” or doing something antagonistic in order to get a response out of their more 
avoidant partner, who often shuts down during conflict.
Pursuers often would like or demand their partners to keep talking during an argument. 
They might have a perception that their partner is no willing to “do the work” with them.
This tendency to push, prods, and insists on continued conversation during marital 
conflict is in response to a painful sense of abandonment and rejection that anxious 
partners feel or fear.
Gaining knowledge regarding attachment theory, looking for counselling, and taking 
“timeouts” can be useful for breaking this confrontational pattern.
Are you also struggling with unwanted behavioral patterns? Understanding and rewiring 
your behavioral patterns can be a rewarding but challenging task. You can always get in 
touch with a certified and practiced psychotherapist in Kitchener at Coca 
Psychotherapy and schedule a counselling session with a professional!